Tomorrow I am suppose to be preparing to speak to young women about body positive, self love and why it’s all important....but here I am feeling like a fraud.
I haven’t been feeling like myself lately and honestly I’m in an unhappy space. I feel unloved , unsupported , heavy , ugly , fat and frumpy, these are just a few things that have been circling around in my head. Everyday has truly been a struggling and I don’t think anyone really understands that I don’t feel like doing anything.
I am filled with anxiety and this dark cloud seems to be hovering over my head because that’s where I’ve been living , in my head.
Depression has a funny way of presenting itself to people. She comes in different shapes and each time she sneaks up on you attempting to make her stay permanent.
I go to therapy every Wednesday and sometimes even after our hour session comes to an end, I wish I could’ve sat a little longer because once I leave that room.....it’s just me left with my thoughts and left feeling empty.
People around me are frustrated with me and at this point I just need patience, a hug , an ear and the motivation to keep going because some days the edge feels better than any of this. It’s like I’m talking to myself and I’m yelling but nobody’s listening. It’s dead silence.
So do you see why I said I feel like a fraud ? I’m standing in a room full of people encouraging and motivating them to be the best person they can , Yet here I am sad , lonely and depressed. I can barely motivate myself on some days. Sometimes I think I have it all together and I just don’t. I put my customer service face on and I roll with the punches.
I know I have to pull myself up but right now I just can’t seem to do it myself. *Sigh*
Some nights I wish I can turn my brain off and just disappear from people , places and things.
Imposter syndrome is what this feels like sometimes. I’m praying for me. I’ve got 25 days to make this turn around.
If you see me hug me , pray for me.