Fraud N****s

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Fraud Niggas


Tomorrow I am suppose to be preparing to speak to young women about body positive, self love and why it’s all important....but here I am feeling like a fraud.


I haven’t been feeling like myself lately and honestly I’m in an unhappy space. I feel unloved , unsupported , heavy , ugly , fat and frumpy, these are just a few things that have been circling around in my head. Everyday has truly been a struggling and I don’t think anyone really understands that I don’t feel like doing anything.


I am filled with anxiety and this dark cloud seems to be hovering over my head because that’s where I’ve been living , in my head.


Depression has a funny way of presenting itself to people. She comes in different shapes and each time she sneaks up on you attempting to make her stay permanent.

I go to therapy every Wednesday and sometimes even after our hour session comes to an end, I wish I could’ve sat a little longer because once I leave that room.....it’s just me left with my thoughts and left feeling empty.


People around me are frustrated with me and at this point I just need patience, a hug , an ear and the motivation to keep going because some days the edge feels better than any of this. It’s like I’m talking to myself and I’m yelling but nobody’s listening. It’s dead silence.


So do you see why I said I feel like a fraud ? I’m  standing in a room full of people encouraging and motivating them to be the best person they can , Yet here I am sad , lonely and depressed. I can barely motivate myself on some days. Sometimes I think I have it all together and I just don’t. I put my customer service face on and I roll with the punches.


I know I have to pull myself up but right now I just can’t seem to do it myself. *Sigh*


Some nights I wish I can turn my brain off and just disappear from people , places and things.


Imposter syndrome is what this feels like sometimes. I’m praying for me. I’ve got 25 days to make this turn around.


If you see me hug me , pray for me.

Just Because She Glitters Doesn’t Mean....

Imagine sitting on the edge of your bed playing out parts of your life that you just knew would be so different. Imagine sitting there thinking about all the failed goals you set and BOOM;you’ve worked yourself into an anxiety attack.

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More often than none, I find myself looking back over my life and remembering the goals I set for myself at the age of 10. I had this big idea of what my life would look like, not knowing that the universe had its own plans for me. Even though I played a part in the choices I made that lead to unsuccessful goal planning, it still all manifested itself the way the universe saw fit. Now here I am, having a crisis before 30 because I was “suppose” to have so much shit done before 30 or at least I thought that was what society told me.

Ideally, I should’ve been finished with my bachelor’s degree at the age of 20/21. Shortly after that I should’ve been walking the stage with a master’s degree, and then sitting pretty in the career of my choice. I mean that’s how society paints the picture that we should see. Except society neglected to point out that race and socioeconomic status plays a role in that (let me be clear there are many Black women from poor families and neighborhoods who exceed this society expectation) I however; was not one of them. I didn’t get my degree until I was damn near 25. I took the scenic route in undergrad. Procrastination, mixed with bullshit, mixed with depression, and a whole bunch of other things really delayed the process for me. I hit so many bumps in the road; I’m surprised my wheels haven’t fallen off. They’ve been deflated many of times but somehow, I’ve been able to patch them up and keep on driving.

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At the age of 10 I also made these big plans of being madly in love with somebody’s child and running off to get married and have babies. I just knew at the age of 23 I’d be giving birth to a brown eyed baby with lips a pink as bubble gum. He would’ve been my first son and I was going to name him some white person’s name because I knew that black boys with common names were often overlooked and categorized. I was supposed to be living life, yet the year I was turning 23 I was committed to the psych ward for a failed suicide attempt. Damn, how the fuck did I end up there? At this point, I had decided that death over life was the best option for me. I was at odds end with my mother, I was desperately in need of a father, and my friends at the time didn’t realize that the loudest one in the room was crying out for attention because I was feeling unwanted, defeated and cheated.

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That was the year of rebuilding, rebranding and recommitting myself to living. Here I was falling apart, and in these moments, I could always remember myself thinking about what my 10-year-old self said and how I failed her miserably because I hadn’t reached the goals she so desperately wanted. I felt like shit. Where do you even go from here? As cliché as this sounds the only way to go from here was up.

I want to apologize to my 10-year-old self for setting up big expectations not realizing that at 10 life had so much in store for me that I had not planned for. I didn’t plan for my life to be fucked up at all, but when I think back on it, if not me then who?

I’m not where I said I would be but looking back on what life threw at me, I’m damn sure not where they told me I would be either.

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So, to society, I say fuck your age expectations. Fuck those standards that only address black and white but nothing in between. Realistically some of us won’t live up to society’s age timeline and that’s perfectly okay. Delay is not denial. 1000 no’s only means that yes is soon to come, and “Your Life’s Purpose is Greater than your Current Circumstance”. I can say that because I know what a broken heart and failed dreams feel like, I also know that with faith all things are possible.

So, while I’m not married, and I didn’t get the picket fence white house, or the two parent household growing up, I get to use me for the good of others. I get to be the beacon of light to so many women and 10-year-old me knew I would be something, but I don’t think she imagined that this is the something we would grow to be.

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If you’re reading this, then that means you’ve made it to the end of my post and that you now know that everything that glitters ain’t gold for me. You also know that with faith, your wildest dream can come true. I hope that you look at what you have accomplished and don’t dwell on the things you haven’t. I pray you see brighter days and that the universe opens and pours blessings into your life and that you live fruitfully and abundantly.

With Love

- The almost 30-year-old who doesn’t give a fuck about what THEY said I should be.

B. Garrett

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For Girls Who Think Love Will Never Come

or Love Just Don't Exist.

 

I bet you’re surrounded by so many friends and associates who are in love and what appears to be healthy relationships. I bet you click play on those videos that have the caption, “She Said Yes,” and cry because it’s so beautiful and you drift off wondering what would you do. I bet you scroll down social media timelines, time and time again, to see all the #RelationshipGoals and even though you don’t know what their relationship holds, perception is reality, so they look like gold. I bet you listen to slow jams wishing you had someone, so you could hold hands and slow dance.

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I bet you that girl is me. I’ve been single for some time now and that doesn’t include wasted situationships or friends with benefits, but those benefits don’t benefit you in the first place. I think I’m getting angry thinking about the shit because you spent countless times getting to know someone and it turns out that they ain’t shit.  Bet you wish you would’ve jumped ship, before it crashed.

This is for the girls who think love won’t come or simply don’t exist. Everyone tells you, “wait and be patient, it’ll come to you.” As cliché as it sounds, it’s true. I’ve learned through therapy that the reason it doesn’t work because half us dealing with some hurt that we ain’t get to address yet. We expect somebody else to love us but we ain’t got our shit correct. I bet you over there reading this like, “sis yes, I do”… but sis, if we did … we wouldn’t be dealing niggas that’s only concerned about what that mouth will do.

We’re so fixated with being in love, that when we think we have something going on, we chose to ignore the red flags that flash right before our eyes. We don’t care, because for the moment they fill the void of that emptiness that we’ve been looking to fill with some form of happiness.

There’s a popular social media meme floating around that states “If you not gone marry her let her go! You are holding somebody wife hostage!” and well I don’t agree. Do you think that somebody will let you go if they know they can keep you right where they need you to be? If someone can have their cake and eat it too, then they won’t let you go.

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Sis you need to get up, pack your shit and let your own self out the door, and if they can’t show you what you’re worth, go running back through that revolving door. We can’t expect to hold others accountable for our feelings because they are our feelings, and as much as we expect others to respect our shit, lets be honest who gone hold you down like you hold you down?

I think its time we start to enjoy being alone and identify the difference between love and loneliness. Learning to enjoy who we are so when the right one come around you’ll feel it. Start addressing the hurt we ain’t never let go. Can you genuinely answer this?

1.       What do you like about yourself? (that’s not a physical aspect)

2.       What are you good at?

3.       Something that makes you unique?

4.       What are you proud of?

5.       What’s important to you?

Can you whole hearted answer these questions without taking too long? I know I found myself struggling to get through because I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and asked myself.

In 2018 ladies it’s about getting to love yourself and know who you are. This year we will embrace who we are and learn the ugly truths about ourselves. We’re going to start practicing self-care more often. Whatever that looks like for you... start doing it. We’re going to address our flaws and look at them every day in the mirror until we’ve figured out how to answer to our truths.

This is for girls who think that love will never come or love don’t exist….it does it exist with you.

The Weekend

 Friday

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“You’re like 9-5, I’m the weekend”......

But I don’t want to be the weekend. I’m looking to be your 9-5 and the weekend.  More like your 24/7, 365, or 366 in leap years. That’s how long I was hoping to spend with you. Looking to build a forever with you, but there’s but so much I can accomplish in a weekend.

Being in love with someone that doesn’t belong to you has got to be the worst feeling in the world. Yes I know people aren’t property, but you get the whole idea in your head that he/she should be your bf/gf and not whoever they appear to be dating at the time. 


This is someone that no matter how far you seem to stray, if they call you somehow find yourself coming back. It’s almost as if they have you tied to a leash and they’ll let you go as far as you can, but when they’re ready for you again they click the button that rolls the leash back up and you’re right back where you’d never thought you’d be. You're now back to being their convenience and somehow hoping that this time around they’d give you a shot at forever.

Your hopes are getting high and the feeling you had when you first met, comes back. You don’t realize that you’re only the weekend because they make you feel like the 9-5… except with a twist. There are rules to this shit; stipulations to the time you spend together because again he/she doesn’t really belong to you. 

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Being head over heels for someone who only craves you once a year like candied yams at thanksgiving. In this process dating others is so hard because you set this standard that in your heart and mind only they can fulfill. The standards are based off the relationship you thought you had with your part time lover. No one compares to them because the bond was strong. Knowing intimate parts of each other that no one else knew.  Not even “new babe”, but then again you’d never let them in. You’re so fixated on the possibility that they’d come back to you again and really make you more than their friend with benefits. Benefits that don’t really benefit you in the long run. 

Saturday  

 “As long as you’re here by 10:30 no later than, drop them draws give me what I want”

Tangled in their web yet again but you don’t feel bad because, 

“My man is my man is your man, heard that’s her man to”.  

You believe that they really belong to you and their gf/bf is only borrowing them from you temporarily because what other reason would they keep coming back to you. That had to have some sort of meaning. It has to have meant you had the upper hand right? 

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“You say you got a girl
And now you want me
How you want me when you got a girl?”

The sad part is you really believed that this means something but it doesn’t. It means that you’re a place of vulnerability for them and when shit doesn’t go right you’re their comfort zone. The issue is comfort zones were not made for growth; they were made for complacency. The comfort zone you both share with each other is a space for complacency because there’s no room for growth there. The seed planted in that hardened soil was not meant to grow pass a sprout. This whole time you kept watering the crops on a land that was dead, praying that this time the earth would open up and bring it new life. Comfort zones are like routines that get old. It becomes predictable. 

Just like their predictable routine in them coming back to you but not staying because you’re not meant to be in their forever plan. 

 

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“I gotta say I'm in the mood for a little bit more of that
I mean I'm saying what kind of deal is two days?
I need me at least 'bout four of them
More of them, more of you on me
On us, just tell me you want me, yeah
Monday and I'll be at your door
Ready to take her place
Ready to give you
What you've been missin' on weekdays”

It feels good to think you have your old thing back. But its short term until their “long term” gets their act right. See, the belief that you have the upper hand is wrong because see they know you. They know how to slither their way through your poorly patched up heart that never healed properly from the first time they left you damaged. So players roll the dice and make moves. They know exactly what you want and so they know how to give it to you. 

You just think you have the upper hand huh? You’re thinking, “I knew you’d come back”. Making jokes, cracking slick as if you’re the one in control. Thinking you’re carrying them but really they’re carrying your ass back to the land of broken promises. They’re in control and it’s just a game to let you think you hold some sort of weight. They have the power because they know you. They know the person you’re talking to isn’t anything serious because anytime they call you run. I mean you’d drop everything for them right? 

Sunday 

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It’s uncomfortable trying to get over someone who you thought you’d be perfect for; but the beauty of growth is knowing that there’s something greater for you. Don’t allow yourself to be the weekend when you know you deserve more. Don’t allow yourself to get stuck playing a role that’s not meant to be yours. You know the outcome and I know they make you feel good, then again how long do good feelings last before they turn sour as you watch them walk away with someone that ain’t you?

I think so many girls get caught up being the weekend to their part-time lovers. People who they thought was their forever because forever is what it felt like when the time was spent together.

I’m not making excuses for side chicks and “home-wreckers”. It’s just when you love someone that just don’t love you, time feels like forever before you heal. So yes, you watch everything they do… and all the women that come after you are just rebounds. How many rebounds will they have sis? Sometimes the boomerang doesn’t come flying back, and you have to live with that. 

You’ll be begging for more, and when they can’t give you that it’ll be another piece of your heart to mend when it all ends. 

Monday : 

Sis the weekend is over.

Being Fat is a DEATH Sentence.

Dearly Beloved, 

 keithcunninghamphotos

keithcunninghamphotos

We have gathered here today to mourn the society that believes fat bodies are unlovable, unhealthy and unrealistic. We have gathered to mourn the loss of fat shamers and internet trolls who have made our bodies feel unwelcome here. It’s unfortunate that we live in a society that believes being a big is a death sentence. The world ridicules and mocks the bodies of fat boys and girls daily. We are not valued or seen as humans because we have a few extra pounds. Today we mourn the mindset of individuals who believe that being fat is a “condition”. The question of, “How can you possibly be happy being as big as you are?” Is one of the many and constant questions received. Am I not human? Am I not deserving of the love and respect because my body is big? We ask ourselves what we did to make people hate our fat bodies. The answer is simply nothing.

 

 

 

Today we mourn the mindset of individuals who believe that being fat is a “condition”.

 keithcunninghamphotos

keithcunninghamphotos

“Fat is a death sentence.”, is what I started to gather from the many men and women all over the world as they began journeys to a new weight. I started to notice how people fat shamed themselves and made it seem that their weight and their bodies were the cause of their self-esteem issues. When in reality, if we lived in a society that welcomed us, we would in turn love ourselves.

People are always asking me, “How can you be fat, yet be so happy?” I always respond I didn’t know that being fat meant that I had to be unhappy with life. It was as if I had to stop enjoying the wonders of the world and the simple things in life because I was fat. People can never understand that being fat is not a death sentence. Just because you have more body mass index does not make you unhealthy. Fat does not = Unhealthy. My doctor told me that while you’re overweight I see that your heart is in great condition, you are not pre-diabetic, you do not suffer from any health issues, it just that you’re fat. It took some time to realize that my doctor was in fact fat shaming me. She could not point out any health related issues but because the BMI suggested that at the age 26 and a height of 5’0” I should be weighing 150 pounds. Never mind that my vitals were great with the exception of low blood pressure, which I had always suffered from even at my smallest of 120 pounds soaking wet. She insisted that I was fat and because of this condition I needed to be sure I was doing everything to make the fat go away. She had asked how you are happy. Do you not want a smaller stomach, and abs and muscles? NO LADY, I am happy being a fat girl. It is people like you who embed these nasty truths in our heads forgetting that words stick forever.

 
 keithcunninghamphotos

keithcunninghamphotos

There are so many people walking around saddened by the fact that they are fat and that they don’t have these beautiful sculpted gym bodies. They carry this self-hate, believing that because they are fat they do not deserve to be happy.

You have the masses of people that do not realize that fat is not a death sentence and that the thought process behind it all is the actual death sentence. If you do not change your way of thinking, then your mind is captivated and that can be the death sentence you live in. While everyone may not be happy because maybe their fat was too much to live life, there are many of us who love our fat bodies and appreciate the extra that it comes with.  FAT is not a death sentence because it is something that comes and goes. Fat does not mean you’re unhealthy, and fat doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy life.

    keithcunninghamphotos

   keithcunninghamphotos

No we are not pretending to be something that we are not. “Our Fat is not our death; there is life to be lived. If you chose to lose the weight, do it and become healthy and happy forYOU. In the process don’t make others feel it’s a requirement to be unhappy while being fat. They will live amazing lives because their weight will not stop them; and it shouldn’t stop you. 

 keithcunninghamphotos

keithcunninghamphotos

FAT

IS

NOT

MY

DEATH SENTENCE

AND I HOPE

THAT IT ISN'T YOURS !

Photography done by the Amazing Keith Cunningham. Please Click on any photo to be directed to his social media page.