Fraud N****s


Fraud Niggas

Tomorrow I am suppose to be preparing to speak to young women about body positive, self love and why it’s all important....but here I am feeling like a fraud.

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately and honestly I’m in an unhappy space. I feel unloved , unsupported , heavy , ugly , fat and frumpy, these are just a few things that have been circling around in my head. Everyday has truly been a struggling and I don’t think anyone really understands that I don’t feel like doing anything.

I am filled with anxiety and this dark cloud seems to be hovering over my head because that’s where I’ve been living , in my head.

Depression has a funny way of presenting itself to people. She comes in different shapes and each time she sneaks up on you attempting to make her stay permanent.

I go to therapy every Wednesday and sometimes even after our hour session comes to an end, I wish I could’ve sat a little longer because once I leave that’s just me left with my thoughts and left feeling empty.

People around me are frustrated with me and at this point I just need patience, a hug , an ear and the motivation to keep going because some days the edge feels better than any of this. It’s like I’m talking to myself and I’m yelling but nobody’s listening. It’s dead silence.

So do you see why I said I feel like a fraud ? I’m  standing in a room full of people encouraging and motivating them to be the best person they can , Yet here I am sad , lonely and depressed. I can barely motivate myself on some days. Sometimes I think I have it all together and I just don’t. I put my customer service face on and I roll with the punches.

I know I have to pull myself up but right now I just can’t seem to do it myself. *Sigh*

Some nights I wish I can turn my brain off and just disappear from people , places and things.

Imposter syndrome is what this feels like sometimes. I’m praying for me. I’ve got 25 days to make this turn around.

If you see me hug me , pray for me.

For Girls Who Think Love Will Never Come

or Love Just Don't Exist.


I bet you’re surrounded by so many friends and associates who are in love and what appears to be healthy relationships. I bet you click play on those videos that have the caption, “She Said Yes,” and cry because it’s so beautiful and you drift off wondering what would you do. I bet you scroll down social media timelines, time and time again, to see all the #RelationshipGoals and even though you don’t know what their relationship holds, perception is reality, so they look like gold. I bet you listen to slow jams wishing you had someone, so you could hold hands and slow dance.


I bet you that girl is me. I’ve been single for some time now and that doesn’t include wasted situationships or friends with benefits, but those benefits don’t benefit you in the first place. I think I’m getting angry thinking about the shit because you spent countless times getting to know someone and it turns out that they ain’t shit.  Bet you wish you would’ve jumped ship, before it crashed.

This is for the girls who think love won’t come or simply don’t exist. Everyone tells you, “wait and be patient, it’ll come to you.” As cliché as it sounds, it’s true. I’ve learned through therapy that the reason it doesn’t work because half us dealing with some hurt that we ain’t get to address yet. We expect somebody else to love us but we ain’t got our shit correct. I bet you over there reading this like, “sis yes, I do”… but sis, if we did … we wouldn’t be dealing niggas that’s only concerned about what that mouth will do.

We’re so fixated with being in love, that when we think we have something going on, we chose to ignore the red flags that flash right before our eyes. We don’t care, because for the moment they fill the void of that emptiness that we’ve been looking to fill with some form of happiness.

There’s a popular social media meme floating around that states “If you not gone marry her let her go! You are holding somebody wife hostage!” and well I don’t agree. Do you think that somebody will let you go if they know they can keep you right where they need you to be? If someone can have their cake and eat it too, then they won’t let you go.

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Sis you need to get up, pack your shit and let your own self out the door, and if they can’t show you what you’re worth, go running back through that revolving door. We can’t expect to hold others accountable for our feelings because they are our feelings, and as much as we expect others to respect our shit, lets be honest who gone hold you down like you hold you down?

I think its time we start to enjoy being alone and identify the difference between love and loneliness. Learning to enjoy who we are so when the right one come around you’ll feel it. Start addressing the hurt we ain’t never let go. Can you genuinely answer this?

1.       What do you like about yourself? (that’s not a physical aspect)

2.       What are you good at?

3.       Something that makes you unique?

4.       What are you proud of?

5.       What’s important to you?

Can you whole hearted answer these questions without taking too long? I know I found myself struggling to get through because I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and asked myself.

In 2018 ladies it’s about getting to love yourself and know who you are. This year we will embrace who we are and learn the ugly truths about ourselves. We’re going to start practicing self-care more often. Whatever that looks like for you... start doing it. We’re going to address our flaws and look at them every day in the mirror until we’ve figured out how to answer to our truths.

This is for girls who think that love will never come or love don’t exist….it does it exist with you.

The Weekend



“You’re like 9-5, I’m the weekend”......

But I don’t want to be the weekend. I’m looking to be your 9-5 and the weekend.  More like your 24/7, 365, or 366 in leap years. That’s how long I was hoping to spend with you. Looking to build a forever with you, but there’s but so much I can accomplish in a weekend.

Being in love with someone that doesn’t belong to you has got to be the worst feeling in the world. Yes I know people aren’t property, but you get the whole idea in your head that he/she should be your bf/gf and not whoever they appear to be dating at the time. 

This is someone that no matter how far you seem to stray, if they call you somehow find yourself coming back. It’s almost as if they have you tied to a leash and they’ll let you go as far as you can, but when they’re ready for you again they click the button that rolls the leash back up and you’re right back where you’d never thought you’d be. You're now back to being their convenience and somehow hoping that this time around they’d give you a shot at forever.

Your hopes are getting high and the feeling you had when you first met, comes back. You don’t realize that you’re only the weekend because they make you feel like the 9-5… except with a twist. There are rules to this shit; stipulations to the time you spend together because again he/she doesn’t really belong to you. 

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Being head over heels for someone who only craves you once a year like candied yams at thanksgiving. In this process dating others is so hard because you set this standard that in your heart and mind only they can fulfill. The standards are based off the relationship you thought you had with your part time lover. No one compares to them because the bond was strong. Knowing intimate parts of each other that no one else knew.  Not even “new babe”, but then again you’d never let them in. You’re so fixated on the possibility that they’d come back to you again and really make you more than their friend with benefits. Benefits that don’t really benefit you in the long run. 


 “As long as you’re here by 10:30 no later than, drop them draws give me what I want”

Tangled in their web yet again but you don’t feel bad because, 

“My man is my man is your man, heard that’s her man to”.  

You believe that they really belong to you and their gf/bf is only borrowing them from you temporarily because what other reason would they keep coming back to you. That had to have some sort of meaning. It has to have meant you had the upper hand right? 


“You say you got a girl
And now you want me
How you want me when you got a girl?”

The sad part is you really believed that this means something but it doesn’t. It means that you’re a place of vulnerability for them and when shit doesn’t go right you’re their comfort zone. The issue is comfort zones were not made for growth; they were made for complacency. The comfort zone you both share with each other is a space for complacency because there’s no room for growth there. The seed planted in that hardened soil was not meant to grow pass a sprout. This whole time you kept watering the crops on a land that was dead, praying that this time the earth would open up and bring it new life. Comfort zones are like routines that get old. It becomes predictable. 

Just like their predictable routine in them coming back to you but not staying because you’re not meant to be in their forever plan. 


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“I gotta say I'm in the mood for a little bit more of that
I mean I'm saying what kind of deal is two days?
I need me at least 'bout four of them
More of them, more of you on me
On us, just tell me you want me, yeah
Monday and I'll be at your door
Ready to take her place
Ready to give you
What you've been missin' on weekdays”

It feels good to think you have your old thing back. But its short term until their “long term” gets their act right. See, the belief that you have the upper hand is wrong because see they know you. They know how to slither their way through your poorly patched up heart that never healed properly from the first time they left you damaged. So players roll the dice and make moves. They know exactly what you want and so they know how to give it to you. 

You just think you have the upper hand huh? You’re thinking, “I knew you’d come back”. Making jokes, cracking slick as if you’re the one in control. Thinking you’re carrying them but really they’re carrying your ass back to the land of broken promises. They’re in control and it’s just a game to let you think you hold some sort of weight. They have the power because they know you. They know the person you’re talking to isn’t anything serious because anytime they call you run. I mean you’d drop everything for them right? 



It’s uncomfortable trying to get over someone who you thought you’d be perfect for; but the beauty of growth is knowing that there’s something greater for you. Don’t allow yourself to be the weekend when you know you deserve more. Don’t allow yourself to get stuck playing a role that’s not meant to be yours. You know the outcome and I know they make you feel good, then again how long do good feelings last before they turn sour as you watch them walk away with someone that ain’t you?

I think so many girls get caught up being the weekend to their part-time lovers. People who they thought was their forever because forever is what it felt like when the time was spent together.

I’m not making excuses for side chicks and “home-wreckers”. It’s just when you love someone that just don’t love you, time feels like forever before you heal. So yes, you watch everything they do… and all the women that come after you are just rebounds. How many rebounds will they have sis? Sometimes the boomerang doesn’t come flying back, and you have to live with that. 

You’ll be begging for more, and when they can’t give you that it’ll be another piece of your heart to mend when it all ends. 

Monday : 

Sis the weekend is over.

Being Fat is a DEATH Sentence.

Dearly Beloved, 



We have gathered here today to mourn the society that believes fat bodies are unlovable, unhealthy and unrealistic. We have gathered to mourn the loss of fat shamers and internet trolls who have made our bodies feel unwelcome here. It’s unfortunate that we live in a society that believes being a big is a death sentence. The world ridicules and mocks the bodies of fat boys and girls daily. We are not valued or seen as humans because we have a few extra pounds. Today we mourn the mindset of individuals who believe that being fat is a “condition”. The question of, “How can you possibly be happy being as big as you are?” Is one of the many and constant questions received. Am I not human? Am I not deserving of the love and respect because my body is big? We ask ourselves what we did to make people hate our fat bodies. The answer is simply nothing.




Today we mourn the mindset of individuals who believe that being fat is a “condition”.



“Fat is a death sentence.”, is what I started to gather from the many men and women all over the world as they began journeys to a new weight. I started to notice how people fat shamed themselves and made it seem that their weight and their bodies were the cause of their self-esteem issues. When in reality, if we lived in a society that welcomed us, we would in turn love ourselves.

People are always asking me, “How can you be fat, yet be so happy?” I always respond I didn’t know that being fat meant that I had to be unhappy with life. It was as if I had to stop enjoying the wonders of the world and the simple things in life because I was fat. People can never understand that being fat is not a death sentence. Just because you have more body mass index does not make you unhealthy. Fat does not = Unhealthy. My doctor told me that while you’re overweight I see that your heart is in great condition, you are not pre-diabetic, you do not suffer from any health issues, it just that you’re fat. It took some time to realize that my doctor was in fact fat shaming me. She could not point out any health related issues but because the BMI suggested that at the age 26 and a height of 5’0” I should be weighing 150 pounds. Never mind that my vitals were great with the exception of low blood pressure, which I had always suffered from even at my smallest of 120 pounds soaking wet. She insisted that I was fat and because of this condition I needed to be sure I was doing everything to make the fat go away. She had asked how you are happy. Do you not want a smaller stomach, and abs and muscles? NO LADY, I am happy being a fat girl. It is people like you who embed these nasty truths in our heads forgetting that words stick forever.



There are so many people walking around saddened by the fact that they are fat and that they don’t have these beautiful sculpted gym bodies. They carry this self-hate, believing that because they are fat they do not deserve to be happy.

You have the masses of people that do not realize that fat is not a death sentence and that the thought process behind it all is the actual death sentence. If you do not change your way of thinking, then your mind is captivated and that can be the death sentence you live in. While everyone may not be happy because maybe their fat was too much to live life, there are many of us who love our fat bodies and appreciate the extra that it comes with.  FAT is not a death sentence because it is something that comes and goes. Fat does not mean you’re unhealthy, and fat doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy life.



No we are not pretending to be something that we are not. “Our Fat is not our death; there is life to be lived. If you chose to lose the weight, do it and become healthy and happy forYOU. In the process don’t make others feel it’s a requirement to be unhappy while being fat. They will live amazing lives because their weight will not stop them; and it shouldn’t stop you. 










Photography done by the Amazing Keith Cunningham. Please Click on any photo to be directed to his social media page.

Fat Girls Need Love Too

Fat Chicks Need Love Too !

"Fat chicks need love too, well I’m a fat chick and I don’t need love from you."

I dislike the age old saying “Fat chicks need love too “. The saying is such a back handed compliment, a double entendre. As if being fat means I shouldn’t be loved already. It is almost like I should be happy somebody or anybody for that matter loves me because I am bigger and due to the fact that I have extra love handles that you probably can’t handle in the first place, I need your love too. I need some special kind of love because ME being a WOMAN isn’t enough! Being human isn’t enough for your love. 

Fat women and girls have been in their own category because that statement along suggest that we’re in a box of our own, that it takes a certain type of person to love us because truly we must be a different species of woman. We don’t exactly get to be normal because cellulite looks like a roller coaster ride on our thighs and our bodies are wide enough to have its own gravitational pull.

Sadly for years fat women and girls have been walking around taking this insult as a compliment because they lack confidence in themselves to know that they don’t need love too they need love period. Fat women are accepting any and everything, and not setting the standard.  You DO NOT have to accept whatever is thrown your way. WE HAVE OPTIONS! Women period have options. We can pick and choose and just like with food if it isn’t done right throw the whole plate away on sight.


We don’t need your love too; we need love PERIOD, because we are HUMAN. We just have a couple more pounds to love on but our hearts bleed and break like “Normal” ( and I use that term lightly because what is normal anyway.) women. So the next time someone says “Fat chicks need love too” DO NOT accept that as a compliment because of your size. A queen is a queen, why you think crowns come in different sizes.